A Final Look at Therapist Self-Disclosure

Part 3/3

Self disclosure in therapy is not “one size fits all”. Some clients appreciate some self-disclosures from their therapists. The therapist can use their discretion when deciding how much to share with these clients. Some clients want little to no self-disclosures from their therapists. The therapist must respect this, even if self-disclosure is a part of their practice and generally appreciated by their other clients. As with any other therapeutic issue, the therapist must be adaptable to the individual needs of each of their clients.

It is normal for a client to want to know things about their therapist. Many clients feel fondly towards their therapists (as do we to them!). It is normal for a client to be curious, excited (as in the event of an engagement or pregnancy), or concerned (as in the case of a family emergency or personal accident). It is not the client’s job to avoid asking questions that might evoke a lengthy self-disclosure from the therapist. It is up to the therapist to decide how to answer these questions in a way that feels comfortable and therapeutically appropriate.

Unfortunately, many therapists engage in excessive self-disclosures and call it their therapeutic approach or rapport building. Additionally, there is something to be said about the role of self-disclosure in our efforts to decolonize therapy. While this can be true to an extent, many therapists take this too far, sharing far more personal details with a client than what is appropriate or fair to the client. Disclosures about a therapist’s sexual preferences, for example, have no place in the therapy room. And yes, I have experienced this as a client.

Here are some examples of how therapist self-disclosure can be harmful;

A client might avoid discussing certain topics with their therapist if they know that this is a sensitive area for the therapist. For example, a client who is considering adoption might not feel comfortable sharing this with their therapist if they know that their therapist was adopted. Further, if a therapist shares their personal opinions about controversial topics, the client may refrain from sharing a different perspective for fear of being judged. For example, if the therapist has expressed negative beliefs about adoption, their client will not feel comfortable coming to them with this. In the therapeutic relationship, the therapist is in a position of power, whether we like it or not. As such, we have a responsibility to protect the client. This includes recognizing the influence we may have on our clients.

By no means do I believe that my perspective and interpretation on this is the only valid one. I occasionally engage in self-disclosure with my clients. There are times when I may have been too rigid. There are times when I maybe could have been more rigid. Given my own fear of accidentally oversharing, I err on the side of less. When choosing to self-disclose to clients, I always consider the person sitting across from me, such as the strength of our rapport, how I think they will feel about this disclosure (based on past experiences or based on what I know about them), their personal history (such as feeling like they never have the space to talk about themselves without other people talking about themselves), cultural and community considerations (if the client and I have these in common, or if we do not and the client requires more information about me to feel safe in the space), and shared humanity (acknowledging the impacts of global events). And, of course, timing. When I self-disclose, I observe the client’s reaction. If they seem annoyed, disinterested, confused, or even offended, I know to not to do this again in the future. If they seem appreciative, amused, glad, pleased, content, and any other indication that my self-disclosure was well-placed, I know that I can disclose in this way in the future with this client. If I am unsure, I will ask. 

Here are some examples of self-disclosures I might engage in and why;

As a woman in my 30s to young women (aged 18-25) who may be experiencing their first urogenital infection: “I know how awful UTIs are, and I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. They’re really common, unfortunately. Also, they’re super treatable. Please see your doctor or pharmacist, as they can prescribe antibiotics. I find that drinking lots of water helps tremendously with the symptoms.” I might also make sure that the client knows what to do to prevent future infections, such as urinating after sex, avoiding scented soaps and scented menstrual products, wearing cotton underwear, and drinking cranberry juice (not cranberry cocktail).  

As a cis woman to trans women starting HRT: “Ouch, yeah, growing breasts hurts a lot. The pain won’t last forever. I’m sorry, I wish it didn’t have to hurt. Make sure your endocrinologist knows of any changes or pain that seems abnormal.” As with the above example, I always encourage the client to seek medical attention for medical issues.

As a pet owner to clients with pets: “I totally understand. My dogs do the same thing. If I stop paying attention to them before they’re ready, they get personally offended.”

I have had a few situations where I have been unsure of how I will handle a self-disclosure when a client inevitably asks me about a change they notice. In addition to seeing clients in-person from my office, I also see clients virtually from my home. Many of my clients know that I have two dogs and have often seen them in our virtual sessions. Unfortunately, as these things go, the older of my two dogs seems to be nearing the end of his life. Eventually, I am sure a client will notice his absence and ask about it. And, I am sure that the client will express empathy towards me. Where is the line between accepting their empathy and having a genuine, human moment, and sitting in this space for too long and flipping the roles? I don’t want my clients to feel bad for taking up space if they know I am going through something challenging. I can’t imagine I would be comfortable complaining about my neighbours, for instance, to my therapist if I knew my therapist was experiencing a significant loss. As therapists, we need to make sure that we are caring for ourselves well enough to be able to show up for our clients and not to show up when we have no space to hold. This, however, is a blog post for another time.